Saturday, October 06, 2007

...and never take you on Springer.

The other day I was watching one of those programs they used to call Talk Shows and now they should just call "crap". I honestly can't even remember which one it was. Maury? Probably. It comes on late enough in the afternoon that I could have conceivably had a day at work in which I stood up and said, in my best Eric Cartman voice, "Screw you guys. I'm going home" and then been home in time to see it.


On this show, there were a few couples and one person in each pair was there to reveal "A BIG SECRET".

Okay, anyone who has ever seen this program knows that the big secret isn't going to be, "I've bought you an engagement ring and I want to love you forever!" or "I've decided that I DO want a third child, honey. I love you!" or even, "I saved my money for two years and put a down payment on a house that's NOT in the ghetto. Hurray!"

Instead, it's going to be something like:
"I'm sleeping with your mom!"
"I'm sleeping with your brother!"
"I'm sleeping with your best friend!"
"I'm pregnant by your cousin!"

Or any combination of the above.

My first question is: Why?

Is the appeal of being on television enough? I mean, how could you NOT know that it's going to be something bad? Have you never SEEN this show? I don't think I would agree to be on a program that I had never seen. That just seems dangerous.

My second question is also: Why?

Because, honestly? Why? Why take someone on national television in front of God and your momma and admit you are a complete piece of crap?

On what planet does this elevate you to a status that you are comfortable with?

Because here on my planet, Reality, I have things like a job and a position on the PTO board and I just really think they would frown upon me going on a Talk Show...period. Unless it was, you know, to promote my new book or something.

Isn't it embarrassing to admit you've cheated? Why is that not taboo? I mean, cheating should be taboo anyway, but people almost act like they are proud of it. "Hey, look at me! I just increased my risk of STD's and unwanted pregnancy exponentially! I'm awesome!"

What bothers me most, I guess, is that you say to someone, "I love you." You marry them, you make babies with them or whatever, and then you go on television and humiliate and degrade them and then physically fight one another.

Maybe in today's world, the marriage vows should be a little different.

"I promise to love, honor, and cherish you and never tell anyone what that face you make during nookie looks like. Also, if we break up, I'll never go on Maury Povich and say I'm two hundred percent sure you're the baby's father. Because that's totally not a real number. Also? It would make me look like a big douche."

You know?

When I'm become Queen of the World, I am SO changing things like this.


J said...

Yes! If you were Queen of the World I would be happy. I love (sarcastic) it when there are shows on and it's like '16 Men Tested Ngative, Is This Man The Daddy?'

Stupid people shouldn't breed.

J said...

dang it. Negative. I need spell check on the damn comment form.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Tee-hee, I wrote a spoof on this exact same thing a couple of postings ago (grin). First visit here; I think I'll come back.

Unknown said...

When you become Queen of the World....
You crack me up, Chick.
And? You'd make a good Queen of the World.

Angie said...

When you become Queen, can I be the "Lady in Waiting?"

Dreamer said...

when you become queen the world, reality, will be sooooo awesome!


I love (not sarcastic) Maury when he brings on the hoes with 10 possible baby daddies. That is the only time I watch those shows. I feel sorry for the kids, though. Back in my hometown I knew this girl who was a single mother to a 2 year old. She then became an unwed mother to triplets. She had "the father" tested, but he came out negative. She still swore up and down it was him. I wonder what ever happened...

ps i bet you are getting sorry delurked me...

Unknown said...

I'll be your court jester when you're queen. I think I could handle that job...if it pays well, has dental, a 401(k), and you don't get to guillotine me on a whim. I am frightened by those shows, too. Have you seen Cheaters? Cause Pup loves to watch it. Scares the bejeebers outta me. And, (gee this is getting damn long) did you see my post about the German politician who wants marriage to automatically end after 7 years? Psycho!!

Christine said...

For the free trip to NY silly. That's a big deal for people who consider staying at the motel 8 five star accomodations.

frannie said...

you are already Queen of my world

EE said...

That crap makes me appreciate my own life;)
I may be weird, but at least my baby daddy is not my FIL:o

SJINCO said...

Those shows are crap, crap and a little more of that stuff called crap.

I don't even understand WHY they are still on the air!

And you are right, why?

Twisted Cinderella said...

bwwaahaahahhaahahaha That is sooo completely funny and true.

Alpha Dude said...

Long Live the Queen!

my4kids said...

Yeah I don't get the reason those people would want to go onto those shows other then another commenters point that they will do or say anything to be on TV and a free trip to NY or wherever the show is aired.

Edie said...

These shows make me sick. I just can't stand to watch them. What's really sad is that they have high enough ratings to be kept on tv.

HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

' "Hey, look at me! I just increased my risk of STD's and unwanted pregnancy exponentially! I'm awesome!" '

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I love you. More than words.

Also, I seriously used to daydream about taking Bean's bio-dad on Maury. Because I actually was 200% sure who her father was. I was not a slutbag. And I would daydream that I would be so calm, cool, and collected, and he would look like a jackass when Maury would say, "Test results say you are the father!" Then he'd run off the stage with his new girlfriend with her frosted pink lipstick and big hair.

I spent too much time thinking about that.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

I love that you said "when" and not "if"!!!