Wednesday, December 26, 2007

An airing of grievances!

Christmas brings out all kinds of complex emotions, doesn't it?

My beliefs dictate a lot of things that I do and think. That being said, I feel like a lot of things in my life are totally out of my control right now. In particular, a number of relationships.

A friend's situation put this on my mind, and it's been bothering me. A lot.

There are people who hurt me, badly, in the past few years. These people have done some really rank things to me. I mean, really, really bad. And then, worse, feigned surprise when I was upset or didn't want to have a relationship with them, and worst of all, that my husband who loves me, would defend me against their attacks.

I have managed to make them a non-issue in my life, for the most part. I don't see them, I don't talk to them, I don't have anything to do with them, and usually? I don't even think of them. And why would I? My life is full. I focus on my children and my husband, my work, my writing, the volunteer activities I participate in, and the twelve tons of friends I have suddenly, and blissfully, accumulated.

And the Christmas comes around and it all comes back into my house, via my mailbox.

You know, I don't consider myself an unreasonable person. I have forgiven my ex-husband for leaving me while I was pregnant, I forgave Jason for leaving me for another girl when we were dating, I've forgiven like twelve people for stealing my words and ideas and putting them on their own blogs and pretending like they were their own. That's fine. Jason apologized. The others didn't, but that was okay too, because they leave me alone.

So it's come down to one or another with me, it seems.

Apologize or leave me alone.

I am not stupid enough to ever believe I will get an apology. If I ever do, it will not be sincere. It is hard to apologize for something when you don't feel you were wrong or are somehow able to justify in your mind being cruel. I can't understand that frame of mind, and I don't want to.

My friend, who put this on my mind, is a better person than I am. She sent an email to her offender and tried to work it out. I can't do that. I am not at that point. A hundred times I've sat down and started writing and I can never quite get it right. Halfway down the page, it's full of curse words and mean accusations. I don't want that. I don't want any of it.

I just want to be left alone.

No, really? What I want is for these people to come to their senses and think, "Good Lord. We totally messed up here." And sincerely apologize. Sincerely. And admit all the things they did and admit the truth about all the lies. All the hundreds of lies. To my face. Not skirt around the issue, not send things pretending like nothing is wrong, not all this...nonsense.

But that will never happen.

So I just want to be left alone.


Amy W said...

Dear God, I hope I am not one of those people who stole what you wrote without thinking about it. I don't know how many times I go to write "Winner, winner, Chicken Dinner", and then I remember the great brains behind that line...

Maybe the New Year will bring apologies?? But I agree, sometimes being left alone is best.

CPA Mom said...

You know, I sent the email for my own sake and for my mother's. I doubt I'll get a response and I do not even want a relationship. I too, just want to be left alone. And my monster in laws? How I long for the same day when they wake up and say the same thing ("Good Lord. We totally messed up here.") but that will never happen either. At some point though, I have let go of the anger and just want to be left alone. Unfortunately, other people in my life, even well meaning friends, just won't let it alone. And keep nagging ME to make amends. Good Lord, I need to keep my self respect. Sorry to take over your comments here, you can tell this is a sore subject! Thanks for listening and UNDERSTANDING as always.

SJINCO said...

Being left alone sometimes is best. Especially when you have made peace with the situation and moved on...

And why is it that the holiday season does this - I feel the same way at times.

BandK said...

There are always those poisonous people out there who don't deserve our energy thinking about, feelings or even hating them. But when they get shoved in your face every year (I am assuming through Christmas cards) it brings those feelings up again. One of the hardest things to do sometimes, is to realize that you can't control other people, you can only control your reaction to them. I, too, have fervently wished for others to be different, or stop acting a certain way, etc., and it just won't happen. Sad that sometimes those relationships can't be avoided, and they interfere sometimes in your happiness. My brother and his wife are two I try to avoid, but planning holiday evens around not being around them is really tough! Also, my BFF that I've known for over 30 years announced a few years ago that she was gay. It was quite a shock, but I still love her. However, I will never completely understand it, because I do not have any such leanings. She decided I didn't "accept" her being gay (in other words, I didn't embrace all things gay in a way that she wanted me to) so she started behaving in a very immature way (i.e. not calling me for months at a time, not showing up for scheduled lunches, etc). So I wrote her a scathing email, telling her how I felt and how her behavior had hurt me, and that I had better things to do than be friends with someone who refused to hold up their end of the friendship. She never wrote me back, no surprise, because she never returned phone calls, emails or anything else, ever -- except when she wanted something! She is very passive aggressive, and I finally learned that, despite her misbelief that I "didn't understand" her gayness, that for my own peace of mind, I had to let her go. I miss her terribly; she was the one person who totally "got" me, who I could tell all my secrets to, etc. But I can't change her behavior, and it was too hurtful for me to continue to be treated like she was treating me.

Anyway this is a LOOOONG comment. Oh, and I? stole the montage idea for the Christmas pictures on my blog from you. I went to One True Media and did one for me. Just so you know. :-) Merry Christmas!

Denise said...

This post got me right here chica. I spent christmas eve alone without my children and husband, and it sucked.I took a stance agaiinst my fil and his redneck relatives. I expect an apologie for the way that my little family was treated last year. My husband chose to go without me. So I sucked it up and dressed my little children up and it killed me. I dont think I will ever get an apology from them and that hurts. I put 20 years into this family before the Mr's mom died and his dad married someone who has horrible redneck children with awful manners.
So i agree with you chica, apologie or leave me the fuck alone. Life is too shortto spend time with people that you dont like.
Oh and btw.... I think that I have linked you everytime that I have mentioned something that you said :) Just so you know.

Alpha Dude said...

Would you believe I know exactly how you feel?
And that you have addressed an issue that I am not yet ready to write on my own blog just yet?
Yeah. I'm feeling it.

I've actually offered the Olive Branch and extended that hand of friendship and forgiveness. Only to have my hand smacked and have the branch thrown back into my face.

And...all for something I didn't even do in the first place. The accusations, the lies, the hatred, all of it, is 100% unwarranted.

But, it's there. I'm with you Chick. I know how much it hurts. I know I'll possibly never hear the apology, but, just like you, if I can't get the peace, then I'd prefer they just left me alone so the wounds can begin to heal.

I know you are praying for me. Please know that I am praying for you too.

Thanks for letting me be your friend.


(by the way, I could never steal your stuff. You are way funner than me!)

Ry said...


Unknown said...

My Hubby and I just had a conversation about people who suck the life right out of you. It was more on the topic of family being a big, old circle of obligation and false relationships, rather than being about building relationships with each other, which is how it should be.

We talked about spending time with folks that build you up, that make you happy, that energize you, rather than being guilted into hanging out with a bunch of people who don't give two thoughts to you.

In your situation, if these people aren't going to have a relationship with you, why send cards or letters or gifts or anything else? Why be the passive aggressive type and send something knowing full well that you haven't really made amends? You're right. They should realize what they've done and apologize for their behavior rather than pretend it doesn't exist and further rub salt in the wound.

Unfortunately, most people that hurt others and then pretend that it never happened don't seem so much capable of "getting it" enough to actually realize their errors and apologize.

My Mom's great advice? You can't have sane discourse with the insane. It's true.

But your blogging fans love you! And we're a mostly sane bunch... and nice, too. :)

Wenderina said...

Look at the length of these comments! Do you think you hit a nerve?

It's always a balancing act between trying to keep an attachment to family (and sometimes friends) and letting go when it just isn't working for anyone. I've written some of those emails, but they've remained in my drafts folder. Every once in a while I revisit them to see if it is really how I still feel, or if time has healed the wounds. So far, I remain firm in keeping distance from those poisonous people, but I keep revisiting it as you never know how you (or they) may change in the future.

Until that time, deflect the poison and the pain as much as you can and love all the new friends and healthy family relationships.

While forgiveness may be divine, so is peace on earth.

frannie said...

first of all-- I am with Amy, and totally hope I am not one of the ones that stole something you wrote. I see "your" writing on other people's blogs sometimes and think about that.

also-- I am so sorry that some people suck. I hope you find a resolution-- no matter what it is.

Unknown said...


I totally know how you feel.
I used to always think somehow everything that went wrong in relationships between me and others was all my fault.

Then I grew up a little bit and realised it wasn't always my fault. I would shy away from any confrontation because I was always afraid I'd lose my temper and it would get ugly. I have a sharp tongue when anger chokes me...

Then I grew up a little bit more and realised I could harness my tongue AND I understood human nature a little better; self deception, justification, excuses (saving face, whatever reason may lie underneath the surface) etc. Once I grasped what motivated the other person's behaviour AND my own (coz it takes two), I could easily step up and own my part in whatever went wrong (usually for me, it was me enabling people to shit on me --- sad to say) AND tactfully (not hurtfully) lay their misdeeds (toward me) on the table. And ask them, 'So - what's up with that?'....

I've managed to salvage some amazing friendships. Friendships that were *tested*! Friendships that weathered misunderstandings - confrontations and forgiveness.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this:
Any *true* friendship will survive and come out better the other side of a storm. Storms include a few steps (someone is wronged somehow; someone notices; someone confronts the situation with the intention of clearing the decks; someone is accountable for their behaviour; both forgive and move forward with an even stronger bond and the promise to be totally honest and honourable with each other in future...)

That's the point I'm at in my life.

I hope that made some, I'm so dog tired, but I had to respond. (even though I really just popped over to say 'Hope you and the family had a LOVELY Christmas!!')

xo lots of love Chick xo



Wow, what kind of loser would actually steal someone's blog words? Seriously...I cannot even fathom how sad that is! Although, as wonderful as the Gretel and Pap-Pap story was, I can certainly see where someone might want to take credit...

Dawn~a~Bon said...

I'm sorry, hon.

my4kids said...

I understand what you mean.
My sister has done a lot of mean things to both me and my family (parents, etc.) she doesn't acknowledge it or appologize because she doesn't think she has done anything wrong, she just disappears at random and wants everyone to accept her back like nothing every happened usually after some big blow up. It's actually happening again right now and totally has me frustrated.

Never That Easy said...

It seems that, sadly, there are many of us who totally understand what you are saying. I am definitely with you on the whole admit your wrongdoings or leave me the hell alone stand. Unfortunately, they're still here. And so am I. So I do my best to ignore them, and try to calm the boiling they set in my blood. And yet... I consider myself a reasonable, forgiving person. There are just some things, some times when you know you deserve better. And so... here we are. Hi, btw: I've been lurking lately. Nice to meetcha!

Edie said...

I think your approach is the best one. Addressing it will cause so much stress and pain. It would be different if you thought you'd actually get an apology. But, since you know that you never will, I wouldn't put myself thru it.