Monday, December 03, 2007

It's not what you think.

I'm scared now. Not because I'm afraid I'll flub the interview. Not because I'm afraid they won't think I'm qualified. Not because I think they won't like me.

I'm afraid they will. And then? I'll have to make a very huge, very real decision.

I know, I know. Oh woe is me. I've been dying to find another job. I've been praying and hoping and wishing and wanting this to happen. To have options. To have a choice. To get the heck out of a situation that has had real, serious, emotional consequences and is not safe for me, not just emotionally and spiritually, but sometimes physically.

But this is another state. This is another place. I don't know anyone.

This entire thing, sink or swim, will depend on me and my sorry butt.

And that? Horrifying.

We moved here on a wing and a prayer. This is not yet home to me, and I honestly don't know if it ever will be. We've been here three years and I still find myself bewildered by my surroundings. I still find myself feeling unsettled and alone.

So moving should be something I would welcome.

And yet, I feel terrified, literally terrified when I think about it.

Because they are probably going to want me. And I'm not saying that because I think I'm so fabulous or anything. It's just...the industry I'm in? It's pretty specific. I have every single requirement that they are asking for and probably only like a handful of people in this country are going to have every single requirement they are looking for. Also, I'm nice and friendly and I do things like show up and work my considerable arse off. And although they can't see me, if they could they'd be all like, "She has nice hair!" Because I do.

I know that interviewing does not mean I'm agreeing to come work for them. I know it doesn't mean that they will necessarily offer me anything worth even considering.

I'm just scared they will like me. As stupid and lame as that sounds. They might like me.

And then I'll have to deal with that.


J said...

I hear you. I know it scares you. And yet? I can't stop being excited for you. What you get will be what what meant to be given to you. If they do like you? Then they are smart. Because YOU are a likable person. And if they don't? Then they are STUPID.

I know it's tough, but remember that we are all here backing you!

frannie said...

change is so scary. at least all your internet friends would be with you during the move. and you would still know us!

Anonymous said...

I definitely get being freaked out by the thought of such a big change.....but, it sounds like you're not too happy with where you live now, so you really don't have much to lose. Being a Kentuckian myself, I can honestly say I love where I live!

Twisted Cinderella said...

While the change would be scary, I hope you get the job. I hope you have the opportunity to decide for yourself what you want.

Julie said...

of course they will love you! change, while scary, can be a good thing!

Unknown said...

Change is always at least a little bit scary. Maybe see it all from a spiritual perspective; God's gotta a great plan and is in charge -- opening and closing doors for you?

That always helps settle my nerves;).

Bunny said...

I know what you mean. I would also be afraid of them liking me. Because this could be an incredible wonderful opportunity and you could move your family to a great new place and everything would be awesome. Or not. And that is what I'm sure is scaring you. But you will be awesome and they will LOVE your hair.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Ditto the the above comment. And yeah, change is good at all that, but it's also beyond scary. It's in moments like this that I get a sneaking suspicion I might be a grown up now, and try to repress the desire to curl up in the fetal position.

I don't know what the best outcome is any more than you do, but I hope you feel peaceful about whatever decision you end up making.

Mrs. Booms said...

I can't help being excited for you... truly. It's better to have to make a tough decision than to be stuck with no options.

Get em Tiger. :) Aren't I lame?

Angie said...

I think they will love you. . .especially your hair! : )

Edie said...

I can appreciate how scared you are, but this might be just what you are looking for!!

I can't wait to hear how it goes.

Blue Tissue Box said...

Waiting to hear how things went...and of course, what you decide to do. :)

SJINCO said...

I can understand how scared and terrified you are but....BUT! It sounds like you are one of a kind in your career, and good lord, they will probably want you! You should feel proud of yourself and of your accomplishments and embrace it. All of us will be holding your hand along the way.