This morning I am faced with a dilemma. And it's so stupid I want to bitch-slap myself.
Something I really want to happen is happening. I can't give all the deets right now, but soon I can.
But it's pretty cool.
And no, no one has offered me a book deal. Yet.
But still,the other thing? It's pretty cool.
And I? Am terrified.
I guess Big Jim would say that I'm so terrified because I don't expect good things to happen to me. That I am so used to things being craptacular that when something good happens? It freaks me right out.
Putting yourself out there like I try to do? It's not easy. In fact, it's pretty darn hard. When I started blogging I had absolutely no expectation that anything would happen or that anyone, ever, would read this nonsense.
But people do. And my "real" life is coming closer and closer to crashing into all of this.
And a huge part of me thinks, "WHO CARES". Because I'm honest, you know? I don't make stuff up. Sadly, this crazy stuff? It really happens to me. I am who I am and I don't know how to be anything else. And people seem to like me (with some obvious exceptions) when I am honest and when I am who I am. Because this blog? It's about as "me" as it can be. Most of the people I know in "real" life? Are not privy to this side of me.
And then? I read about Dooce who got fired. And then? I read recently about this chick who blogged about her ex-husband and never said his name or anything and he SUED HER. And it freaks me right out again. Not that my ex-husband is smart enough to brush his teeth, much less SUE anyone, but still.
It's out there.
Part of me wants to just throw it all out there, say the hell with it, and let the chips fall where they may. What's the worst that can happen?
And the other part of me? Knows exactly what the worst that can happen is. It keeps me up at night.
So that's my dilemma. And people who have normal families and things like parents who would be proud of them for fulfilling their dreams and stuff probably won't understand this, at all. And good for them, you know? I'm so glad that people aren't nearly as messed up as I am. It's not healthy to have this level of f'd upedness in your daily life.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm not really looking for help or answers or sympathy or hell, anything really. I just felt like getting this out today.
Just because it is what it is? Doesn't make it any easier.