Monday, April 28, 2008

What doesn't kill us...

This morning I am faced with a dilemma. And it's so stupid I want to bitch-slap myself.

Something I really want to happen is happening. I can't give all the deets right now, but soon I can.

But it's pretty cool.

And no, no one has offered me a book deal. Yet.

But still,the other thing? It's pretty cool.

And I? Am terrified.

I guess Big Jim would say that I'm so terrified because I don't expect good things to happen to me. That I am so used to things being craptacular that when something good happens? It freaks me right out.

Putting yourself out there like I try to do? It's not easy. In fact, it's pretty darn hard. When I started blogging I had absolutely no expectation that anything would happen or that anyone, ever, would read this nonsense.

But people do. And my "real" life is coming closer and closer to crashing into all of this.

And a huge part of me thinks, "WHO CARES". Because I'm honest, you know? I don't make stuff up. Sadly, this crazy stuff? It really happens to me. I am who I am and I don't know how to be anything else. And people seem to like me (with some obvious exceptions) when I am honest and when I am who I am. Because this blog? It's about as "me" as it can be. Most of the people I know in "real" life? Are not privy to this side of me.

And then? I read about Dooce who got fired. And then? I read recently about this chick who blogged about her ex-husband and never said his name or anything and he SUED HER. And it freaks me right out again. Not that my ex-husband is smart enough to brush his teeth, much less SUE anyone, but still.

It's out there.

Part of me wants to just throw it all out there, say the hell with it, and let the chips fall where they may. What's the worst that can happen?

And the other part of me? Knows exactly what the worst that can happen is. It keeps me up at night.

So that's my dilemma. And people who have normal families and things like parents who would be proud of them for fulfilling their dreams and stuff probably won't understand this, at all. And good for them, you know? I'm so glad that people aren't nearly as messed up as I am. It's not healthy to have this level of f'd upedness in your daily life.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm not really looking for help or answers or sympathy or hell, anything really. I just felt like getting this out today.

Just because it is what it is? Doesn't make it any easier.


Julie said...

I hope what you want to happen happens!

Anonymous said...

All signs point to "Go for it!"

Good luck!

Lisa O.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

I say DO IT!! I don't know what it is, but you seem so excited about it, so you should do it!

Anonymous said...

Go for it!!!

Karen- Mckinney,TX

HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

I hope that whatever is new/exciting/scary is working itself out. You deserve good/new/exciting things.

And since the post before this on has Flavor Flav in the title, I must go read it now.

CPA Mom said...

what? has someone found your blog you dont' want to?

Unknown said...

I never advertise my blog to anyone I know. My husband however, uses our real names and puts his blog in his email signature line.

And guess what, I'm on his very short blog roll.

So, I've been outed a few times. They usually come up finally and say I found your blog. After the "oh, fuck, did I ever write about them" thoughts, I'm okay with it. My sister found my blog the same way.

It does however stifle our conversations because I'm always thinking: I blogged about this, so they have read it, so maybe I shouldn't say it again and bore them. Or maybe they didn't read that post? Second-guessing and ackwardness at it's best.

However, I live in physical, gut-wrenching fear that my relgious sisters and my parents will find my blog. Why? I only speak the truth, but sometimes it's brutal what I write about my childhood, my Dad especially, and their Mormon faith.

It makes me absolutely sick to my stomach to think about.

At the same time, I know I could have hundred more readers daily if people did know I write, but then I would self-censure and you wouldn't get to hear the whacked out tales of trophy wives and dog-butt wipers in my neighborhood or how crazy, insane my Dad can be.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

If something good is on the horizon it's probably our fault. We've been praying for good things for you, after all. ~hugs~

A's Mom said...

Well whatever the really good news is, it's about time! And you know what... good things really do happen to good people... and face it, you're one of them! It just may have taken a little longer is all.

Anonymous said...

All fingers, eyes, toes, legs and paws are crossed for you in this house, Chick;).

Angie said...

Can't wait to hear. Really. Can't wait!!

Brown Eyed Girl said...

Hey.....I know you in "real" life and I'm here to say...this shit really happens to you...and you deserve all the good that comes out of it. No negatives.

I know I said I couldn't understand about your parents...I personally can't..but you have to remember that I have the in-laws of the year..and from my hubby's perspective..I know how hard it is to tell them anything..let alone something *gasp* POSITIVE!

Just be who you are..because I love that person..through and through.

SJINCO said...

Best wishes! And Good Luck.

To whatever it may be that you are talking about....I can't wait to hear about it.

Or not.

Kelly said...

Good luck to you...I hope whatever you want to happen DOES!! You so deserve the good in your life!!

Kelly said...

Good luck to you...I hope whatever you want to happen DOES!! You so deserve the good in your life!!

Bethany said...

If it's something you want, I hope it happens!

Sarcasta-Mom said...

I can't wait to see what the good thing is. I hope it has something to do with your writing, because you're a GREAT writer.

And trust me, I get just as scared of good things happening. I'm much more comfortable with the crap.

Jocelyn said...

All big happy thoughts for impending goodness...and, yea, it's a fine line to walk in this blogging world between baring it all and protecting from possibility.

Jill said...

i have about 50 blogs i read and when i have to pare down, i always stop by here. you tell it like it is, honestly and dont pull any strings. its hilarious. even if i dont always agree with you, it doesnt matter, because its your life you know? like i wouldnt want you telling me what to do, you know unless i asked and then i'm fair game.

here's hoping whatever's going down is alright. just remember that your elbow is your strongest point and someone's nose is their weakest, unless they're a dude. fake for the nads and elbow the nose. should work, as his hands will go to block your knee. ;-) snicker... snicker...

Jenski said...

It is amazing how potentially wonderful things can be as scary or scarier than crappy things. I hope it works out!