Thursday, August 30, 2007

This makes me want to la-la.

Dear Beloved Husband,

I know that you like to listen to the television while you go to the potty. While I do not understand this necessarily, I do respect this as part of your quirkiness.

However, sweet love? When you are done in the potty, could you please, you know, turn the television DOWN so the next time I turn it on it doesn’t cause the earwax I have in my ears to fly outward and slam into the wall in some sort of desperate act of submission? Last night I turned the bedroom television on at around 10pm and the people two streets over had to hear the vile rantings of the Bill O’Reilly program. And as much as I hate those people? They don’t need to hear that crap.

I would appreciate your cooperation in this matter.

Much love,
Me

PS: The way you handled the debt collection of the lady who lives three doors down from us? Excellent. I so appreciate the fact that she will probably not be egging our house and scrawling misspelled curse words on my vehicle because of your professional attitude. So thanks for that.





Dear four hundred girls who signed up to be Girl Scouts,

Please. Please. Show up.

I have all this fun stuff planned and my motivation level is really, really high right now and it would be so cool if you guys would actually come.

It will be fun and interesting and I really want you to come.

So please come, okay?

Thanks!
Your leader





Dear Coworkers,

For the last time: honestly, I don’t care if you do your training or not. Really, no. I don’t care. Coming into my office with false bravado telling me you aren’t going to do it? Just makes me laugh.

However, if you don’t do it? You’ll be screwed. Because I have proof, and lots of it, that I told you to do the training. And when you can’t get into the building because you didn’t do the building access training, you will be sad.

So. You might want to consider that.

Thanks!
The Training Lady





Dear Sister,

Why haven’t I seen new pictures of your baby lately? What are you trying to do here, torture me?

Come on with it!

Love,
Sista-Boo

PS: Tell GirlCousinChildC2 that I said, “Psst…you love Aunt Unicorn the best!”





Dear Sister,

Okay, I suck. I just looked at the family website and you actually did post pictures.

And oh my Lord, could your kids be any cuter?!?

Love,
Sista-Boo

PS: I still want you to give GirlCousinChildC2 the message.
PS: Wilfred Brimley.





Dear whoever stole my lunch today,

You know, Kroger has a fine selection of Lean Cuisine entrees. I got the one you ate for only $1.59.

Since last time I checked, I didn’t give birth to you and therefore have no legal obligation to provide you with sustenance, STOP EATING MY FOOD.

I know I’m fat, but that does not mean I’m exempt from eating lunch.

Knock it off.
-That Chick





Dear long weekend,

COME ON.

Love,
That Chick

18 comments:

Blue Momma said...

Your letters rock!

Write me one next time, ok?

You could start it: Dear Needy Blog Stalker,

AnnieM said...

Our husbands should talk. My husband must read a magazine while pooping. Being the awesome wife I am, I bought a magazine rack to have directly next to the pooper. He loves it! He takes out his magazine, poops and leaves the magazine on the floor. Annoying.

Holly Schwendiman said...

Ha! GREAT letters and funny reads.

Hugs,
Holly

Kellie said...

Food stealing people? Suck. Hard.

People that admit they won't do training? Dumbasses.

SJ said...

Someone stole your lunch!? They do suck. Totally reminded me of that episode of Friends when someone kept stealing Ross' lunch.

Love your letters as always!

Kimberly said...

Dear That Chick,

Write a book already.

Love,
Blog Stalker #23

velocibadgergirl said...

Dear Chick & Chick's Sista-Boo:

http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/02/12/diabeetus/

stepmomof2 said...

Haha, badgergirl I love that site! That is so rude of someone to steal your lunch. One time I made my husband two sandwiches and he called me at lunch time and asked why I only made him one?!? Apparently someone stole it.

J said...

Can I use the term 'girl child' on my blog, too?

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

I wish I could solve all of my problems with my family the way you just did yours. Can you come type letters to my psychos now? PLEASE??

Angie said...

Open letters. . . truly my favorite way to round out my day!f

Angie said...

Sorry. . .didn't mean to leave that "f" there.

Whoops.

BS said...

People steal my lunch all the time - but not usually the good stuff though. It sucks when you have to go to the cafeteria after you made the effort to pack your lunch. Plus folks in my workplace love to take your water. I always look around to see who is drinking water with MY NAME on the bottle!

Catwoman said...

What better way to end the week than with a post with your open letters. You truly rock!

Rachel said...

What is wrong with people that makes them think it's ok to take someone's lunch???

Watching tv whilst pooping, huh? Never heard of that one.

frannie said...

my husband drives me crazy with the tv sound, too! he listens to it with headphones while I sleep. And the next day, I turn the tv on and it is about 1000 decibels-- or something.

also-- I totally wish I could be one of your girl scouts.

EE said...

Love the letters. Good luck with the Girl Scouts...I personally think your nuts for taking that on:)

Twisted Cinderella said...

Great post! I can so relate to so much of what you say!