This makes me want to la-la.

Dear Beloved Husband,

I know that you like to listen to the television while you go to the potty. While I do not understand this necessarily, I do respect this as part of your quirkiness.

However, sweet love? When you are done in the potty, could you please, you know, turn the television DOWN so the next time I turn it on it doesn’t cause the earwax I have in my ears to fly outward and slam into the wall in some sort of desperate act of submission? Last night I turned the bedroom television on at around 10pm and the people two streets over had to hear the vile rantings of the Bill O’Reilly program. And as much as I hate those people? They don’t need to hear that crap.

I would appreciate your cooperation in this matter.

Much love,
Me

PS: The way you handled the debt collection of the lady who lives three doors down from us? Excellent. I so appreciate the fact that she will probably not be egging our house and scrawling misspelled curse words on my vehicle because of your professional attitude. So thanks for that.





Dear four hundred girls who signed up to be Girl Scouts,

Please. Please. Show up.

I have all this fun stuff planned and my motivation level is really, really high right now and it would be so cool if you guys would actually come.

It will be fun and interesting and I really want you to come.

So please come, okay?

Thanks!
Your leader





Dear Coworkers,

For the last time: honestly, I don’t care if you do your training or not. Really, no. I don’t care. Coming into my office with false bravado telling me you aren’t going to do it? Just makes me laugh.

However, if you don’t do it? You’ll be screwed. Because I have proof, and lots of it, that I told you to do the training. And when you can’t get into the building because you didn’t do the building access training, you will be sad.

So. You might want to consider that.

Thanks!
The Training Lady





Dear Sister,

Why haven’t I seen new pictures of your baby lately? What are you trying to do here, torture me?

Come on with it!

Love,
Sista-Boo

PS: Tell GirlCousinChildC2 that I said, “Psst…you love Aunt Unicorn the best!”





Dear Sister,

Okay, I suck. I just looked at the family website and you actually did post pictures.

And oh my Lord, could your kids be any cuter?!?

Love,
Sista-Boo

PS: I still want you to give GirlCousinChildC2 the message.
PS: Wilfred Brimley.





Dear whoever stole my lunch today,

You know, Kroger has a fine selection of Lean Cuisine entrees. I got the one you ate for only $1.59.

Since last time I checked, I didn’t give birth to you and therefore have no legal obligation to provide you with sustenance, STOP EATING MY FOOD.

I know I’m fat, but that does not mean I’m exempt from eating lunch.

Knock it off.
-That Chick





Dear long weekend,

COME ON.

Love,
That Chick