Don't be like this.

My children are at Nerd Camp now. It's making my life, for the most part, much easier.

Nerd Camp is in the same city that I work in, so I don't have to go 10 miles the opposite direction to drop them off. Nerd Camp is associated with the city, so the children get a hot lunch every day and I don't have to pack lunches (not a big deal) or worry about the fact that we don't have anything I can pack (a somewhat bigger deal). The drop-off for Nerd Camp is literally three minutes from the office in which I am sitting. The kids have been to this camp for three years in a row and they have a lot of friends, including Girl Child's bff.

So why do I want to kill people when I drop the children off every morning?


I'm willing to guess that it could be Self-Involved Mom.


You know the type. You might even know a Self-Involved Mom all your own.


The drop-off area is a small, circular spot in front of a building. People pull through the circle and park and about eight cars at a time can fit. Which is great until Self-Involved Mom drives her car up and, instead of waiting less than a minute until someone drives away, parks her car in the middle of the circle, ensuring that no one can get in or out until her precious off-spring is safely delivered into camp and effectively crapping a big Douche Patty on the rest of us.

Self-Involved Mom will typically use this opportunity to talk to everyone at the camp, involved with the camp, or in any position of authority at camp, usually complaining loudly about the various injustices her precious wee-one (who is usually ten, looks like a wanna-be thug, and is sullen and silent) suffered. For example, "Yesterday you served a snack of peanut butter crackers! Little Willis doesn't LIKE peanut butter crackers! I really just don't think it's fair that the only snack you offer is peanut butter crackers! He likes chocolate chip cookies! Why don't you offer Willis chocolate chip cookies?"

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Even if you arrive before Self-Involved Mom and are already out of your car and walking toward the entrance, Self-Involved Mom will sprint out of her car, leaving the drivers door open and the child in the backseat, to ensure that she gets her rightful place ahead of you in line. Because, clearly, Self-Involved Mom is way more important than you've ever even dreamed of being. Sadly, Self-Involved Mom doesn't get a lot of exercise, so this minor physical exertion is way to much for her to handle and before she can even speak to the camp counselor or anyone else, she must stand, panting and telling everyone how she has to catch her breath and wait for little Willis to get out of the Astro van.

Because Self-Involved Mom is clearly only concerned about well, herself, she will not notice that there is a large line of other moms and dads standing behind her, waiting to register for their children for the day, so they can go on to work. Self-Involved Mom will then begin what I like to call the "Dissertation Involving Everything In The Free World".

"Willis! Did you bring your swimsuit today? Are you sure? Are you sure you're sure? Are you positive? Let me just check your bag Willis. Willis! Why did you bring the GREEN swimsuit? Didn't we talk last night for three and a half hours about why you should bring the BLUE swimsuit? I really just don't understand Willis. The blue swimsuit really goes with your eyes and this green one. Well. I just don't know. I mean it looks OKAY on you, but it's really not the best color for you. What do you think Willis? I really do care about your opinion. *Sigh* Well, it's done now, I guess. I can't really go and get you another one since I have somewhere to be at 11am and I haven't even showered or put on my make-up yet. Willis, today, after you go swimming, be sure to change into your RED shorts. Not the yellow shorts you have on now. It looks like you got something on those shorts. What is that? WHAT IS THAT? Let me see you closer! LET ME SMELL OF THAT! Is that MUSTARD? How did you get MUSTARD ON YOUR YELLOW SHORTS!"

Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot.

At some point while in line, or rather, blocking the line, Self-Involved Mom's cell phone will ring. Because Self-Involved Mom is Way More Important Than You and people need to call her prior to 8am. Self-Involved Mom's phone conversations with her Mom, aka, Self-Involved Grandma, are far to important for her to skip, so instead of completing the check-in process and calling Self-Involved Grandma or Drunk Best Friend or whomever back at a later time, Self-Involved Mom must make everyone else wait so that she can have the conversation right. that. second. I mean, it's really important to tell Self-Involved Grandma what Self-Involved Mom and Willis had for dinner last night. Self-Involved Grandma would likely DIE if she didn't know they had Sweet potatoes and fried Chicken. Self-Involved Grandma's ACTUAL LIFE hangs in the balance here! Let's not be selfish people!

Because, in case you haven't heard by now? Self-Involved Mom is way more important than you are. Way.

Sadly, Self-Involved Mom is raising little Willis to be Self-Involved Douche. He's mean to the other kids and sullen and pouty when he doesn't get his way. He expects everything to go his way because, frankly? Self-Involved Mom has always ensured that it has. He's rude to Self-Involved Mom and she just shrugs her shoulders and says to all the other moms, "Oh, you know how kids are!" while the other moms shake their heads and think, "If my kid talked to me like that, I'd knock him down so far he'd have to unzip his pants to brush his teeth."

But little Willis doesn't know any better.

If I could have just five minutes with Self-Involved mom I would say to her (after repeatedly bitch-slapping her upside her head):

"You aren't special. You aren't important. You are lazy and self-centered and self-involved and you are raising a spoiled brat, self-involved little douche hat. I don't give two craps what Barney told you, YOU AREN'T SPECIAL. You just aren't. Wait your damn turn, get your stupid car out of the center of the circle, and stop acting like everyone here owes you something. Because THEY DON'T. Oh and by the way, GET OVER YOURSELF."

But really? It would be a waste of time. She probably wouldn't even hear me over Self-Involved Grandma telling her about Days of Our Lives yesterday and the fish they had for dinner last night.