Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Don't be like this.

My children are at Nerd Camp now. It's making my life, for the most part, much easier.

Nerd Camp is in the same city that I work in, so I don't have to go 10 miles the opposite direction to drop them off. Nerd Camp is associated with the city, so the children get a hot lunch every day and I don't have to pack lunches (not a big deal) or worry about the fact that we don't have anything I can pack (a somewhat bigger deal). The drop-off for Nerd Camp is literally three minutes from the office in which I am sitting. The kids have been to this camp for three years in a row and they have a lot of friends, including Girl Child's bff.

So why do I want to kill people when I drop the children off every morning?


I'm willing to guess that it could be Self-Involved Mom.


You know the type. You might even know a Self-Involved Mom all your own.


The drop-off area is a small, circular spot in front of a building. People pull through the circle and park and about eight cars at a time can fit. Which is great until Self-Involved Mom drives her car up and, instead of waiting less than a minute until someone drives away, parks her car in the middle of the circle, ensuring that no one can get in or out until her precious off-spring is safely delivered into camp and effectively crapping a big Douche Patty on the rest of us.

Self-Involved Mom will typically use this opportunity to talk to everyone at the camp, involved with the camp, or in any position of authority at camp, usually complaining loudly about the various injustices her precious wee-one (who is usually ten, looks like a wanna-be thug, and is sullen and silent) suffered. For example, "Yesterday you served a snack of peanut butter crackers! Little Willis doesn't LIKE peanut butter crackers! I really just don't think it's fair that the only snack you offer is peanut butter crackers! He likes chocolate chip cookies! Why don't you offer Willis chocolate chip cookies?"

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Even if you arrive before Self-Involved Mom and are already out of your car and walking toward the entrance, Self-Involved Mom will sprint out of her car, leaving the drivers door open and the child in the backseat, to ensure that she gets her rightful place ahead of you in line. Because, clearly, Self-Involved Mom is way more important than you've ever even dreamed of being. Sadly, Self-Involved Mom doesn't get a lot of exercise, so this minor physical exertion is way to much for her to handle and before she can even speak to the camp counselor or anyone else, she must stand, panting and telling everyone how she has to catch her breath and wait for little Willis to get out of the Astro van.

Because Self-Involved Mom is clearly only concerned about well, herself, she will not notice that there is a large line of other moms and dads standing behind her, waiting to register for their children for the day, so they can go on to work. Self-Involved Mom will then begin what I like to call the "Dissertation Involving Everything In The Free World".

"Willis! Did you bring your swimsuit today? Are you sure? Are you sure you're sure? Are you positive? Let me just check your bag Willis. Willis! Why did you bring the GREEN swimsuit? Didn't we talk last night for three and a half hours about why you should bring the BLUE swimsuit? I really just don't understand Willis. The blue swimsuit really goes with your eyes and this green one. Well. I just don't know. I mean it looks OKAY on you, but it's really not the best color for you. What do you think Willis? I really do care about your opinion. *Sigh* Well, it's done now, I guess. I can't really go and get you another one since I have somewhere to be at 11am and I haven't even showered or put on my make-up yet. Willis, today, after you go swimming, be sure to change into your RED shorts. Not the yellow shorts you have on now. It looks like you got something on those shorts. What is that? WHAT IS THAT? Let me see you closer! LET ME SMELL OF THAT! Is that MUSTARD? How did you get MUSTARD ON YOUR YELLOW SHORTS!"

Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot.

At some point while in line, or rather, blocking the line, Self-Involved Mom's cell phone will ring. Because Self-Involved Mom is Way More Important Than You and people need to call her prior to 8am. Self-Involved Mom's phone conversations with her Mom, aka, Self-Involved Grandma, are far to important for her to skip, so instead of completing the check-in process and calling Self-Involved Grandma or Drunk Best Friend or whomever back at a later time, Self-Involved Mom must make everyone else wait so that she can have the conversation right. that. second. I mean, it's really important to tell Self-Involved Grandma what Self-Involved Mom and Willis had for dinner last night. Self-Involved Grandma would likely DIE if she didn't know they had Sweet potatoes and fried Chicken. Self-Involved Grandma's ACTUAL LIFE hangs in the balance here! Let's not be selfish people!

Because, in case you haven't heard by now? Self-Involved Mom is way more important than you are. Way.

Sadly, Self-Involved Mom is raising little Willis to be Self-Involved Douche. He's mean to the other kids and sullen and pouty when he doesn't get his way. He expects everything to go his way because, frankly? Self-Involved Mom has always ensured that it has. He's rude to Self-Involved Mom and she just shrugs her shoulders and says to all the other moms, "Oh, you know how kids are!" while the other moms shake their heads and think, "If my kid talked to me like that, I'd knock him down so far he'd have to unzip his pants to brush his teeth."

But little Willis doesn't know any better.

If I could have just five minutes with Self-Involved mom I would say to her (after repeatedly bitch-slapping her upside her head):

"You aren't special. You aren't important. You are lazy and self-centered and self-involved and you are raising a spoiled brat, self-involved little douche hat. I don't give two craps what Barney told you, YOU AREN'T SPECIAL. You just aren't. Wait your damn turn, get your stupid car out of the center of the circle, and stop acting like everyone here owes you something. Because THEY DON'T. Oh and by the way, GET OVER YOURSELF."


But really? It would be a waste of time. She probably wouldn't even hear me over Self-Involved Grandma telling her about Days of Our Lives yesterday and the fish they had for dinner last night.

34 comments:

CPA Mom said...

oh.my.god. makes my fellow room moms look tame. no wait. they are vicious bitches. but still. i admire your restraint!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

OMG I'd kill her!

judy in ky said...

Oh, I know what you mean. These self-involved people come in every category, not only moms. How on earth do they get this way?

the planet of janet said...

willis' mom has clones.

at my kid's school.

Cricky (Who Is More Than Just A Girl) said...

Self-Involved-Mom is related to me. Believe me, she's not that way just at school or camp functions.

She will literally stop all family functions for the same conversation you mentioned.

Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity said...

and this is why i do not get involved at the school....

Betsey Booms said...

I was thinking something similar to this when I realized I'm the only mother dropping my kid off in the AM that DOESN'T block the entire drive...

When it's raining.

Asshats.

Much More Than A Mom said...

I won't be like that - I promise. I really can't believe the nerve of some people.

Stephanie said...

URGH! I hate when the parents in the drop off line get out of their cars. Even after they send a freaking note home every other week stating clearly NOT to get out of your car and park it in the drop off lane. If you must walk your child to the door, park and do so. They never stop doing it, it's very irritating. Then there is me, who probably thinks way too much about other people and their needs and making sure I don't inconvience them.

You are very funny and I love the way you write.

B&K said...

LOL OMG that is so true. Self-involved Mom is also Self-involved Driver on the Freeway Onramp, who must -- MUST -- get in front of you even if she has to drive 80 MPG up the onramp to get ahead of you, only to stomp on her brakes because Self-Involved Businessman Yakking on the Cell Phone won't let her merge at the top of the on ramp. And then, when you almost ram into her Astro van from behind, she looks up and gives you the finger because she thinks YOU weren't paying attention!!!

Yeah. We've got those here.

giants fan said...

the kids I used to nanny-- their mom is just like that.

I have no idea how I survived it for so many years..........

Kimberly said...

That is one of the most brilliant posts. Ever. Seriously. Especially the Whiskey, Foxtrot, Tango line. I cracked up something fierce over that!

Rachel said...

Brilliant!! I abhor
Self-Involved Mom!! This post cracked me up!!

Catwoman said...

"Whisky, Tango, Foxtrot."

I am TOTALLY stealing this. Best line ever!

And... Word!

notmuchofacook said...

Those SIMs are everywhere! I can't stand being near them.

kristi said...

LOL........there are Moms like this at my son's daycare. There are 20 parking spaces but they have to park practically on TOP of me so I have to squeeze my fat ass through and then I get a dirty look from them. They have to rebrush "precious ones" hair and redo her bow and fix their hootchie skirt and clop into the daycare in their 4 inch heels. GAG.

Robyn said...

Holy crap. That was awesome.

I know you don't live near me, yet I have spotted Self-Involved Mom (yes, the same one) in my neighborhood. She must be a magical, mystical creature.

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

Applause! I love that you wrote Whisky Tango Foxtrot. You are so awesome.

Laura said...

I am pretty sure this woman is the mother of all the other children at my kids school, I'm not sure how she accomplished this but.. being that she is so special and so much more important than me she is capable of anything!

Kiki said...

I don't have kids so I don't know self-involved mom, however, I do know self-involved co-worker and self-involved relative. They drive me nuts! Nothing an AK47 and a roof top wouldn't fix.

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

I'm pretty sure I've met this woman before.


Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot.
ROFLMAO.

Oh. My. Frog, Chick. You do make me laugh.

Nathan Davis said...

This is the first post i read, and I'm hooked on your blog, thats hilariously true. I personally have not encountered one in my life as a parent but in my line of work, i see them all the time.

Rebecca said...

Yep, I know her. Willis will grow up to be a vindictive loser with a huge sense of entitlement. Hopefully he will remain single and not inflict his misery on some poor unsuspecting woman.

I am Trish Marie said...

Uh. I think that might have been my neighbor.

KiKi said...

The answer is simple: next time she gets out of her car, run her over. At least this way, shell deserve the attention.

BTW, I peed my pants reading this. You must keep up this blog even after your first novel is published.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Oh, damn. When you go to bitch-slap this woman? Call me. I want to help.

Whiskey, tango, foxtrot.

You slay me.

Wenderina said...

Clearly you are over the discovery that not everyone is a douchebag and back on the rant. Welcome back. We who are about to deal with all the douchebags in the world salute you.

Anonymous said...

love the whiskey, tango, foxtrot... you must watch the real world???

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

YEE HAW!!

That's how they say "Hallelujah!" in Texas!

You Go Girl!

Blessings.

Sarcasta-Mom said...

LMAO. That was just too darn good....

Jocelyn said...

Yea, it wouldn't help. But it's nice to dream.

The other day, I said, "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?" in front of my kids, and they peed themselves. Apparently, that's the funniest thing I ever said, and Willis is the funniest name ever.

prayingtodarwin said...

You know what the best part is? If Self-Involved Mom read this, she'd nod, knowingly, and say "Oh my god, I KNOW bitches like this!!"

(By the way, hi there! I'm Ginny, long time lurker, first time commenter. I think I'm in serious like with your blog, and it's going in my reader.)

Lil Mouse said...

way to tell the truth. i can't relate about being a mom (yet) but people like that drive me nuts. its like get out of the way, conduct business, and make it short and sweet. we have other things to do. although i have run across a few blogs that just insisted that their little darlings were angels, even though they complained every day about things that they just 'couldnt make them stop doing'. i finally quit reading them because my blood pressure would go up about 35 points every time i did. toxic. so thanks for being a 'real' mom and expecting your kids to be human. god help the people that just think their 1.5 year old is 'my equal' --the kid still shits themselves and can't pour their own drink. let alone drive, contribute to the economy, or hold a conversation about politics or gas prices. they're NOT your equal! they are your CHILDREN and you're supposed to raise them as such, not as your bff, you know! rock on Chick!

Sweet Tea Addiction said...

These are the same people who drive up to a mail box and then write the check, look for stamps, fill out the envelope, and then FINALLY drop the letter in the box. Hoopee Doo Dah!