Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Happy You Gave Birth Day to me!!

Nine years ago, today, I technically became a mom.

I say technically because really? The mom thing didn’t happen for a while.

Oh, I mean, I gave birth and all that. It was a rather painful, forced affair in which my stomach was cut open and two really small infants were wretched outward. I was so doped up on painkillers I don’t remember the vast majority of it. I do remember the huge needle they stuck in my spine. And I do recall the labor and delivery nurse yelled at me because I still had my bra on. Dude. I was totally unaware you had to TAKE YOUR BRA OFF to have a baby. I’d never given birth before.

And seriously? This may be a question that all real girls already know the answer to, but WHY do you have to take your bra off? Do my saggy boobs really need to be exposed to the world in order for me to have a freaking c-section? That just seems like it might scare people rather than do anything good whatsoever.

It’s a weird thing though. To have a baby (or in my case babies) and not really be able to feel like a mom.

All I ever wanted to be my entire life was a mom. I remember as a little girl if people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say, “A mother”. (Sometimes I would also say, “Spiderman,” but really. I knew, even then, that wasn’t realistic. Because I was a GIRL and girls can’t be Spiderman!) The whole being a mother thing appealed to me, a lot. I had visions of going to the grocery store in my polyester pantsuits (I WAS a child of the 70’s after all) and sewing clothes and baking Toll House cookies after school with my wee lasses. I never outgrew it either. I never had a moment in my life when I felt like having a child would be a bad or negative thing. Even when I was poor, even when I was young, even when I had no business being a mother, I still felt like it would somehow all be okay.

So many women have described their birthing experiences to me. How they pushed and pushed and then the little baby was placed in their arms and the rush of love and joy they felt. One of my favorite pictures of all time is of my friend Angie, sobbing and holding her newborn son Kyle (who’s now a teenager). The emotion and love is there. It’s a beautiful, beautiful thing.

For me? It just didn’t seem real, I suppose.

One day I was pregnant and the next, I wasn’t. But I hadn’t seen my babies (with the exception of a brief moment when the nurse held my daughter up in the air as she ran out of the room with her). I hadn’t held my babies. It was like this weird dream I’d once had. My reality was totally fuzzy and it wasn’t just the spinal block.

I don’t remember the exact moment I began to really feel like a mom. I remember having moments in which the reality of my life hit me really hard. I remember struggling to buy diapers and formula and wondering where my next dollar would come from. I remember crying and wondering why on EARTH God would entrust someone as moronic as me with these two precious little people. I remember thinking, “I can’t do this,” and at the same time having the most aching determination that I could do it and I would do it and I wouldn’t let anyone stop me from doing it. I had just as many moments, of course, in which I wondered if they would prefer going on Oprah or Maury, because I certainly was going to screw this up big time.

That’s the thing, I guess, about having your husband walk out while you are pregnant. It makes you doubt your abilities as a human being.

But so far? It’s worked out pretty good.

For some reason, I’ve been blessed with really good, normal, sweet kids. And Holy Moses on a bicycle, they are the funniest people I have ever met in my life.

They teach me every day more than I could ever teach them in a lifetime.

So today is my “birthday” too. Because I started becoming the person I wanted to be, when I became their mom.

Good gravy, I’m a complete sap.


Alpha Dude said...

Dear Complete Sap...

The more I learn about you, the more I am convinced you are a most awesome and wonderful person.

Happy "Birthday" to you and those two terrific kids.

Blessings to you all.

And Jason too. We CANNOT forget about Jason!

Amy W said...

Happy Birthday to the wonderful twins and to you!

It still amazes me what you went through in the early years with them...

Shanilie said...

Well, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to all three of you then!!

You said that perfectly. I watch TLC baby story and see the flood of tears and the love the family has afterwards. I was the same as you....minus the 2nd baby lol but even several months after Jacob was born I was really struggling. I had the blues for quite a while and I remember not wanting Jacob around in the hospital...I just wanted to go to sleep for a long long time. Since then that love has grown by leaps and bounds!

That is a wonderful photo! you all look "normal" to me :)

Bethany said...

Happy Birthday and Happy Gave Birthday!!

You are one rocking mom!

PS. You could give Gene Simmons a run for his money! You sex-ay thing you.

SJINCO said...

Happy Birthday to the twins and Happy Gave Birth Day to you! You are an awesome Mom, don't you forget that! Or doubt it....whatever.

Hope you have a fantastic day!

SJINCO said...

Happy Birthday to the twins and Happy Gave Birth Day to you! You are an awesome Mom, don't you forget that! Or doubt it....whatever.

Hope you have a fantastic day!

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Yes, but you're a cute sap so it's bearable. That was beautifully me all soppy and emotional (although that could be the meds talking). Happy Birthday indeed!

Denise said...

Party on Wayne! Party on Garth!!

Jocelyn said...

"Holy Moses on a bicycle." Yes, Chick, you and I would do very well if married. We'd get along forever. I love that phrase.

I'm with you: I've pushed a baby out and had one cut out, but either way, I only felt appreciative, protective, and stunned at first. It took months before anything called "love" developed. But, boy, does it pick up steam once it starts.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthing Day, Chick!

Anonymous said...

As many times I've said it, I shall say it again: you, dear Chick, are FANFREAKINTASTIC!!

LOVE the goofy picture of you and the twins.

Happy Birthday to the twins, Happy Birthing Day to you and Happy However Many Years Later I Became The Twins Father Day to Jason. He ROCKS, too!!

frannie said...

Happy Birthday to the whole family!!!

julie said...

Happy, happy day!

I don't think everyone really understands how important and profound an individual's birthing experience can be. It's different for everyone. Even my own was completely different than I expected it to be and, even more, it affected me more than I could have realized.

Angie said...

I'm just going to have fun all week with "Holy Moses on a Bicycle."

That alone, besides the gushy stuff that makes me want to run home and hug my kids, was worth the hop "back" over here to your blog!

Happy Birth-in' (as they say here in TN) Day. . . .

BS said...

Happy Birthday to you all. I can relate to your feelings completely. First child, born prematurely (on my way home from work)- had to call the parents because the soon to be husband was nowhere to be found. Baby was rushed to another hospital and I came home empty handed. Second child, husband had left me while I was pregnant - came back shortly before he was born (another preemie) and left again, never to return when the baby was still very young (came home empty handed on that one too). I AM divorced from that jerk now and have been for quite a while. I remember the feelings of frustration and the struggles of being a single Mom and how much I felt like a failure for them. I have been able to witness the birth of my 2 youngest grandchildren, one of which was just Monday of this week. I found you on my sister's blog roll and started to read. I think you are a wonderful Mom and a wonderful person too.

AnnieM said...

The sappy posts are the best!
It's a pretty amazing thing, becoming a mom. Happy Birthday to all three of you!

Lucky Gem said...

I had the emotional tears when they handed me my baby girl. Most days, I still don't believe I'm a Mom. Typing that even seemed weird.
I'm goimg to start coming by and visiting your site more often. You are funny!

Amy's Blah, Blah, Blogging said...

I'm so glad that you shared this story. It's so beautiful to share so much of yourself and your heart in writing. I can't wait to come back and read more from you.

Unknown said...

Wow. What a great post and a fun pic to go with.

I think I'll go have some pancakes now, oh syrup-y one. :)

my4kids said...

Happy Birthday to all of you!
I know what you mean though. I actually didn't get to have any of my kids handed to me when they were born. Only one naturally and he was having problems when he was born but fine soon after. 2nd was my preemie and 1st c-section and was quickly transfered to another hospital I didn't even see him, that I can remember, for a week. Also I was completely knocked out for his birth so I don't even have memories of him comming out. Last 2 repeat c-sections due to classical incision. I to get teary eyed when I see the birth stories and moms getting their babies on their chest.
I love your writting and the "sappy" ones are my favorite.

Patiently waiting said...

Awww Happy Birthday to the twins and happy "Birthday" to you too. You are an amazing mom and I love reading your stories about your kids because it truly inspires me. Hope you all have a great day!

Gerbil said...

I love your kids more than cheese. And I love you more than cheese and MORE cheese.

alissa said...

Being a new reader, it's entries like these that keep me coming back for more... Fantastic.

You're awesome.

Happy birthday to your twins!

CPA Mom said...

Happy birthday to all of you! March Birthdays ROCK!

Love that picture.

Of course they are funny, duh, you are their mother and sweet cheeks, you are one of the funniest women on the planet.

EE said...

Happy Birthday, Spidey!!
Even after 12 1/2 years & 3 kids, sometimes I still don't feel like a parent!!

Anonymous said...

You could totally be Spiderman. At least, I'd want you to be the Spiderman to my Catwoman.

Except I'd be a good Catwoman. And we could go rescue puppies and kick the asses of people who are being bad neighbors.

And your post? Just freaking B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L as Fergie would probably sing.

velocibadgergirl said...

Hooray! Happy birthday / giving birth day!

monsters' momma said...

Note to self - must add good gravy and holy moses to phrases I need to say more. ;)
Love your fam!
btw, I did not have a rush of joy or love after birthing my monster. They put her ook covered tiny body on my chest and I felt and thought nothing....nada. I just was.
Love her to pieces now though!

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

I always think of my first-born's birthday as my birthday too. It is the day I became a mother. That only happens once, no matter how many more kids you have.

Your kids are the people they are because of you, not inspite of you.

Kelly said...

Happy late birthday babies!!

On a side note, I was so whacked out the day Hudson was born, I got in the shower before they started the Pitocin with my bra still on.

Anonymous said...

What a neat way to put it. I think this post has helped out others who haven't found "words" for how they are feeling and possibly feel badly for feeling how they do about their babies. And I suppose that is about the quota for using feel/feeling in one comment so I will end this by saying "happy birthday and blessings".

Kelly said...

Wow- I literally have chills reading this. Totally awesome! You are an amazing person! Keep up the awesome job! Happy Birthday to your girls (and you!)