Monday, January 07, 2008

The 1.5%

Remember how I love my husband, like, a lot? And that I really, really adore him 98.5% of the time and the other 1.5% I want to stab him in the face?

Last night was the other 1.5%.

I have an audit this week. Yes, another one. I was/am feeling really antsy and uncomfortable about the whole thing because frankly? I do not test well. Have I prepared for this particular audit as much as humanly possible? Well, yes. Do I feel ready? Um, no. Because I don't like situations in which I don't really know what's going to happen. Call it human nature, or call me a freak. Either way.

For several weeks, including over Christmas, I've had a low-grade anxiety regarding this. Not that I didn't think the auditors would come in and find problems and not that I wasn't already fully, completely, 100% aware of the problems that we have. I mean, DUH. I know, right? It's basically just explaining to the 200th person, "Yes. We have problems. Yes. We know about the problems. Perhaps if you could stop auditing us every single freaking month then we might have time to, you know, actually FIX some of these problems instead of writing condition reports on ourselves explaining how messed up we are."

But I'm not allowed to say that.

Anyway, the point is, I've been anxious.

Also? Other things have been making anxious. The whole thing that happened on Friday? Sent me to the ceiling. The work I've been doing in therapy? Catapulted me to the roof. And also? I'm on Weight Watchers and if I have to calculate one more Points value? Well, I might do physical harm to someone.

But I've been really making a sincere effort to be a better wife. Because that's one of those things I want to be, despite how the outside world is going. In my house and in my heart, I want to be a better wife.

So yesterday, I mentioned very casually that I needed to go to the market. For a quick trip so, basically, the children would have lunch today.

And so it began.

Jason: "Hey Babe, since you are going to the grocery store can you please get 8 gallons of water?"

Okay, so we drink a lot of water. Eight gallons lasts us about a week. Okay, fine.

Jason: "Oh, and also baby? Can you please get me some orange juice?"

He's been sick. Fine. He needs orange juice.

Okay, what he actually needs is to take his ass to the doctor. But he hasn't, and probably won't because clearly, orange juice cures everything.

But fine. Orange juice.

Jason: "Oh and since you are going? Can you buy me some cigarettes?"


I argued that one, a bit, because I really don't like buying cigarettes. I just don't. The sheer amount of money that is spent on them makes me really, really twitchy. And also? I don't smoke. So it makes me irritated when the store I'm at doesn't have them and I have to drive to YET ANOTHER store and get them.

But fine. I'm being a good wife, right? So I agree to get the cigarettes, IF the store I am at has them. If not, I will not make another trip. Because, you know, he leaves the house every single day and he can go elsewhere and get them, if need be.

So I take Boy Child to the store. Boy Child wants to play, "Guess what animal I am!" which is a game he made up and I completely suck at. I always say something like, "I'm big and I live in Africa," and he's all like, "An elephant!" and then the game is over. And he always picks dinosaurs and bugs, and I know nothing about either of those.

We get all of our crap, including the offending cigarettes, and come home. I'm trying to carry all this crap into the house and I realize that Jason had decided to take a nap.

Okay, fine. He's sick and he's been working a lot. I will not think, oh, not even to MYSELF, that I've worked just as much as he has and perhaps even more and I would really love to have a nap.

Instead, I busy myself putting away the groceries, lugging in the 8 gallons of water, and making dinner.

Later, I am tired. Very tired. I don't sleep well, particularly with looming audits, but I am tired and I go to bed at around 10pm. I fell asleep with the television on, as I often do, and I woke up at around 1am and turned it off since it was annoying me.

Jason came into the room around 1:30am, and turned the television back on.
At 2am? He decided to take a shower.

Now, can I just mention that our bathroom is IN our bedroom? Meaning that there is no other entrance unless you go through our bedroom?


Then, at about 3am he opened the bathroom door, all the lights going, and was standing there in front of the mirror.

Brushing his beard.


I gave him a look that basically said, "OH MY GOD I WILL KILL YOU," and he said, "I'm sorry! The bathroom was all hot and I had to open the door to let the steam out."


He said, and I swear to Frog, I cannot even MAKE THIS STUFF UP, "Then I won't be able to see to brush my beard."


I said, very calmly,"Jason, if you do not turn out that light RIGHT NOW you will have to extract that hairbrush from your ass. And also? Probably my foot."

He turned the light out.

And apologized.


He is so lucky my foot is not in his ass.

Also? It's a good thing that "being a good wife" was one of my goals and nothing set in stone. Because really? I can only be so good.


frannie said...

men just are not considerate... well, most of the time they aren't.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

You totally pulled off the good wife thing by not sticking the hairbrush up his arse regardless or inflicting some other form of bodily pain. Oi! Neil has moments like that too. Mostly he's fab and I adore him, but some days...well...some days I'd like him to grow a beard. So I could wax it off while he was sleeping. Or something. Yeah. Anyway. The nerve!

Unknown said...

I would have kicked his butt the moment that TV got turned on at that ungodly hour!!

Mrs. Booms said...

This made me giggle. I have the same resolve this year... To be a better wife... I hope my husband wants to be a better husband, because that would work out well, doncha think?

SJINCO said...

OMG! OMG! OMG! Are we married to THE SAME MAN? And excuse me here while I steal your words, but I swear to frog that my husband cannot be quiet. EVER.

What it takes to be a good wife. I feel ya Chick, I really do!

And too? I might have laughed a little.

A's Mom said...

I have the same situation with out bathroom and yes that blinding light in the middle of the night is really annoying. Good for you on your new years resolution. Now if only he could make the same, right?

Allie said...

I consider myself a good wife, I mean I'm not great or perfect or anything but most definately satisfactory. I require a certain amount of sleep and if my husband turned on the light while I was sleeping I can guarantee he would have been stabbed repeatedly with whatever was closest to me, probably a pencil. So kudos to you for not stabbing him, you're a great wife in my book.

Anonymous said...

He's an asshole.

J said...

He is certainly not an asshole, stpid anonymous. He is just a man, who does dumb things sometimes. But, we should all be as lucky to have a man like Jason in our lives. Obviously you haven't read Chick's blog very much, because if you did you would know that Jason is a good husband 98.5% of the time. Idiot.

Hey Chick? I love ya, and I meant to write a nice comment here, but that idiot went and made me have to be mean. Sorry.


my husband works nights and sometimes comes in at 4am asking me to make him something to eat. i work days, so he goes without. then he gets all pissy when i can't get up for work, so i work 11-7 instead of 8-4...and then his DINNER is late! i keep telling him i'm going to come wake him up at 4pm in the middle of HIS sleep time (he sleeps 11-7)...he would probably throw a shoe at me.

also, he has had a cough and has not smoked in FIVE DAYS! he is considering quitting! yay!

Anonymous said...

I am dying laughing here! Brushing his BEARD? I've never heard of anything so insane in my whole life.

I'd tell you to kill him, but then we wouldn't get this brilliant Jason posts anymore. And the world would be a sadder place.

Angie said...

Okee. . . so I'm glad a number of people commented before me. Because I have this fear of everyone reading my comment and thinking I'm a dork.

So anyway. . .my wonderful better half (yeah, right) often goes to bed before me. I'm a real night owl. Anyway, when he does, he turns out EVERY LIGHT we have, other than the living room light. So, when I come to bed, I am like Helen Freaking Keller trying to find my way to bed without waking him up or breaking my toe on the bed.

But, if I go to bed early, when it's HIS turn to come in late, he gets in bed, turns ON the light and reads a book.

That's right. I'm sleeping. He turns on the light and reads.

So yes, my friend (who is still nameless to me) I feel you pain.

. . .thankfully, he brushes his beard in the morning.


Joy T. said...

LOL apparently Jason is feeling better if he's up and about...grooming. Sorry for laughing but I would have thrown the remote at the bathroom door so hard it would have stuck. All the while aiming for my hubby's head of course. Men. Goodluck on the audit, it sounds brutal!

Actorgirl said...

OMG, I just couldn't help but laugh!!

Chick, I have just recently found your blog, and am SO glad I have! Who else could make me laugh and at the same time know I'm not alone?! :)

IMO, you were an AMAZINGLY wonderful wife for NOT doing serious bodily harm! (And, lucky for them, they're cute and ARE wonderful 98.5% of the time, right?).

theotherbear said...

I would have stabbed him in the eye with a pencil.
Seriously, I agree with everyone else saying "my husband is thoughtless on occasion too". And now I can't help but wonder, does he tell HIS friends about things I do like this too? Because I think I am almost perfect so he doesn't have anything to complain about - but then does he think that about himself too, so is clueless to his idiocy?
(Er - that all made sense in my head but somehow looks like a jumbled mess... never mind)

Dreamer said...

Oh wow. He's a very lucky person. Very lucky.


Kelly said...

yeah I have a BF that acts like he's 2 years old and falls asleep in the damn couch (almost every night he stays here --cuz um, he obviously can't tell when he's tired? pretty sad at age 36 huh?) he feels the need to come into the bedroom at 2am or sometimes 3am or even 4am for that matter and rip the covers off of me, and then proceeds to PUSH me over and climb in...mind you while doing all of this..he's making ALOT of noise. So ya I feel your pain!!!

Edie said...

You are SUCH a better wife than I... literally, I would have killed him... either that, or I would have gone to the couch or somewhere quiet and dark for the night! :)

I hope tonight is better!!

EE said...

This is exactly why my hubby and I sleep in seperate rooms...except, I am usually the offending person:o

Tricia said...

I am a VERY light sleeper, so everything wakes me up. And it takes me forever to go back to sleep, if I wake up fully. So one night, I am exhausted and Kenny chooses this night to stay up late smoking cigars and downing beers with the guys in the backyard...right by our bedroom windows. They were good, though. I would hear Kenny hush them if they got to a level that threatened to REALLY wake me up. I was impressed. Then at 2am, Kenny comes in for bed AND TURNS ALL THE LIGHTS ON IN OUR BEDROOM. Seriously, he is lucky to be alive. And still doesn't know what he did wrong, because "he was QUIET."

CPA Mom said...

oh good god, that story makes ME want to put the hairbrush in his ass. squarely in the 1.5%. I admire your restraint.

Anonymous said...

I have totally been there lately. and Prince Charming has a hormonal pg lady to deal with.

Amy W said...

Gotta love husbands. And all the crap we put up with.

Sarcasta-Mom said...

My husband pulls that crap all the time. Often I'll wake up at two in the morning to the sound of him of his headset, playing his online game, claiming insomnia. I generally scream something like "You have to be F***ING KIDDING ME!!!!!!" I think our hubbys should have a proctologist on call just in case....

Mason and Terri's Mom said...

Sounds EXACTLY like my night owl! I don't have the audits (or the bad parking...stupid people or crappy food ) to deal with (in the outside work life) but I DO have a hubby that likes to stay up till 4 am, take showers, WATCH TV and EAT DORITOS IN THE BED...KNOWING that I have 3 kids to take care of everyday and that is including 2 one year olds!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!!

MEN! You can't kill em, and you . . .well YOU CAN'T Kill them.

Darci said... are funny and real.

Re: WW - my solution to the whole point value thing was to write up about 14 days worth of sample meals and just eat the same thing - no thinking just eating...wait that is what got me this position in the first place. But it really does help.

katydidnot said...

hey! i totally! get the name of your blog now. awesome.

Brooke said...

Oh my goodness!!! I think we may be married to the same man!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Chick, I'm sorry - but seriously I laughed my ass off when reading this. I was too busy to comment then, but I'm baaaaack now;). Brushing his beard? Omg, he so is lucky a foot isn't up his bum, lol.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Are you sure you are not married to my husband?

I applaud your willpower.