Sunday, December 07, 2008

She's super freaky.

Some days I feel like I'm the only person on the planet (except, you know, men) who is not pregnant.

I know I'm not. But at last count? Twenty-nine of my friends and acquaintances are.

Twenty. Nine.

Seriously. Everyone from my sister, who I've pretty much ascertained getting pregnant merely by her husband entering the room, to friends of mine who have been trying for literally YEARS and it finally worked for them.

And thank God for that, really. For all of them. I love my sister so much that I think it would kill me if she had crap for ovaries like I do. I love my friends and I'm so happy that finally they don't have to go through all this anymore. That they can finally realize their dreams of having a child.

I don't resent them. I don't even feel sad.

I just feel like a freak.

I hate feeling like a freak.


Unknown said...

I know it is no help, but you have my sympathies. My wife and I were married for 14 years, trying all the time, before it happened. Chin up and good luck.

Tamar said...

As one of the twenty-nine, I'm sorry you're feeling bad, hon.

AndreAnna said...

Jeebus. 29?

If it makes you feel any better, I have no intention of joining those women so from now on, you'll always have an unpregnant friend in me.

I can't remember where I parked my car most days from the two babies I do have but I ALWAYS remember my birth control.

My heart does hurt for you though. Back when I was pregnant with Sawyer, I had a few friends who were desperately trying and more than deserved a baby. I felt so guilty that I had so easily what they struggled for. I called it "fertility guilt". I wrote about it here.

Unknown said...

wowza. 29, what a friggin sin. I also know a freakishly large number of preggos right now, and as part of an infertile couple, each announcement just stabs a bit more. I think you win the award I reference here but I"m sure you don't want it either. I'm so sorry. *HUGS* coming your way.

judy in ky said...

All you have to do is wait a few years; then those 29 preggo friends of yours will be fighting with their teenagers while you are enjoying your grandchildren.
It'll be okay.

Teena in Toronto said...

Whoa! 29?!

Anonymous said...

Been there. Still kind of there. I think just about every female I know under the age of about 45 had a baby sometime between January 07 and they are still coming. It's crazy.

Anonymous said...

As someone who just passed the year mark of actually trying without a pregnancy, I hear you. I just read news yesterday that someone else I know is pregnant. And I don't begrudge them one bit. I think sometimes their pregnancies make us feel like failures though, and that's why it strikes us hard.

I've had three pregnancies with four babies and two kiddos to show for it. I love them dearly and figure if they are all I've got, then thank gosh I scored so high with two of the greatest.

I used to be one of those people that could pregnant just by thinking about it. After our daughter we used double protection because she was a happy surprise, but we weren't ready for more happy surprises at that time. Now, four years later, I appear to be dry as the desert sun.

So yeah, I totally get where you're coming from with all these darn pregnancies that I can't help but be stinking happy about because each person has had their own row to hoe, and I can't grudge them their happiness not knowing the extent of their life's trials.

And I know you know this, but I'll say it anyway. Even though your ovaries are screwed up, your life is not. And think of all the good that has come to your life this year! Blessings are still heaped on you.

I also think sometimes women that aren't able to have as many children as their heart desires are meant for different purposes. Like right now, no baby to hold, but I have two nephews that I'm practically raising. With a small baby that'd be impossible. I just think we never know the whys until down the road.

Hugs. :)

SJINCO said...

I agree with what 'judy in ky' said! However I do wish that things weren't this way for you. I know how much it means to you.

Big hugs.

Unknown said...

I don't think that you're a freak.

I know that won't change the way that you feel.

I think you're an amazing woman with two amazing kids, a marriage that you work hard at, and a book. I also think that you are a woman that has learned lessons in life both by having your two kids and going through a season of not being pregnant.

I'm grateful that you have the time to write right now. You have reassured me that I'm not screwed up. I think that is a gift. I think that there are more people than you know that would agree with me - both in the pregnant and non-pregnant categories.

Just my two cents.

Bethany said...

Even though I had my little chicken recently, I can relate to the secondary infertility thing (you know the story). I'm not sure I have any assvice...maybe fewer friends? Just kidding!

Patience said...

If it makes you feel any better, I'm not pregnant!

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Goodness. And I've been complaining over half a dozen!

Jana said...

I'm a freak too Steph. You are not alone... And I feel the same way. The crack whore down the street can have a bijillion babies, but I can't. And I know you feel the same, about the guilt of feeling this way since we both have children, just can't anymore. And both of our husbands don't have their own "biological" children, and I was able to have a baby with a total douchebag, but not with my wonderful husband because the PCOS/Endometriosis has wrecked my ovaries to the point I had to have one removed, and the one remainind doesn't work either... GEEZ... Maybe you and I are long lost sisters? :o)

Suzy said...

Please dont take this the wrong way but one of the FIRST laws of attraction is that what you focus on grows. So uh, it IS what you talk about a lot. So that's what you attract, more of the same.

Try and stop focusing on what you don't have. I know you adore your kids but you're doing the no pregnancy thing too much. The universe hears you...